On the management of committees

Much has been written on the nature of committees and the most important thing is, on no account, to be lumbered with sitting on one unless the refreshments are more than adequate or your boiler has broken and you need an excuse to be somewhere warm in the cold winter months, with the proviso that you have the husbandly skill to put your mind out to another place while the distant murmur of wordage goes on around you.

It has always been a founding principal of mine that under no circumstances should anyone who wants to hold a position on a committee should be allowed to. Those seeking such employment clearly have empty lives and are endeavouring to fill their waking hours with minutes, memos and reports about procedures that will under all circumstances not only take up the allotted span but will ensure Any Other Business creeps on towards closing time with the speed of a glacier and just about the same level of excitement. It is for this reason I always start any committee I was forced to chair an hour maximum before some unshiftable deadline such as the opening of play or when the hall is needed by the local WI branch, for whom sweet words butter no parsnips and will use strong words and stronger elbows in a way that make even seasoned bailiffs wince.

Committees, I have found, can be divided into Warriors and Worriers. The formers’ self belief that by amending ‘Sub Section 3 – uses to which a paper clip may be legitimately used’ they have struck such a blow for the betterment of mankind that their names will be mentioned in the same breath as Diderot and the Encyclopédie – not comprehending that no one actually working under the said will notice a single jot.

The Worriers, are, if anything, more vexing as they care so much that they singularly fail to notice while wishing to build Jerusalem in England’s Green and Pleasant, they have spent all their time writing planning applications, rather than nipping down to a brick merchant and buying the where with all to get started. Once, at the insistence of Mrs The Hon Sec, I was forced to sit upon the Bishop’s Climp Carnival Parade Committee. Hours were spent in self flagellation because they had forgotten to put the parade of festive floats by way of the outlying hamlet of Little Snottingham. When I gently asked why, they confessed it was a mere oversight made by busy people. Had anyone from Little Snottingham actually complained? Apparently yes, but only three months after last year’s carnival, despite the fact everyone knew the route six months before. Wouldn’t it have been an idea if both the burghers of Little Snottingham come forth and suggested it to you before hand? Apparently not and it was all our fault and we would have to make amends and would be missing out most of Bishop’s Climp this year in an effort to include every know dwelling in the parish.

I have regarded the way to happiness, whether it being my occasional bowling or how I like my sherry as a happy medium. Committees so rarely reach this happy state of being. Generally, they are either full of people who will be at daggers drawn over the vexing problem of ‘7.45’ or ‘quarter to eight’ is the best way to describe the meeting time or they are stuffed with those who are so self congratulatory that, had they been overseeing the Charge of the Light Brigade they would spend their time celebrating the reduction of the wages bill and provision of extra horses per available rider.

Committees are the hunting ground of the sort of cove who uses the phrase ‘Expanding Mindset’ or ‘Mr Bluesky Thinking’ as if these things actually mean anything. Lord knows where they learn these things, they probably subscribe to some kind of monthly periodical which informs them when they have become inteligible to the public as a whole so they can change what they are doing at once. Steedily, the Acting Headmaster of our own St Audrey’s – his senior being on a period of study leave following the incident after the inspectors had been kidnapped put on a slow boat to Bolivia, apparently this is no longer a thing that is allowable even to long standing Heads -and was once asked by one of these benighted individuals which of my ‘high impact strategies’ had worked. He gently explained to the fellow that they had tried all manner of things to improve the pupils’ results, ranging from threats, through bribery and even occasional encouragement. ‘But which one had the highest impact’ came the reply. Generally I regard Steedily as a mild mannered man and he did say he tried to keep his temper as he explained to ascertain this he would have to try one strategy at a time for a number of years – and then, do the same with a number of schools to iron out any aberrations. The lackwit wasn’t having it and ended up by insisting a strategy be named and not to shilly shally. By now fairly furious, Steedily said the first thing that came into his head to shift the wretched fellow and it was for this reason that the key measure employed was to instruct the staff on how to effectively and individually take the mickey out of their charges. ‘pparently it’s worked wonders and attainment has attained new levels.

This, of course, presents a problem in finding people to make themselves available for service for the greater good. Personal recommendation and mild threat may be your friend here. I was chosen for this post by the former Hon Sec, a man of great physical presence and no sense of another’s personal space. ‘You’re not an idiot’ he growled at me. I thank him for what I took to be compliment and next thing I knew I had taken possession of the well worn leather chair and cupboard like office, half way up the stairs to the Turkish Steam Rooms.

Having a good excuse at hand is essential when avoiding committee work. Should any club member be approached to sit on one they should apply to Secretary’s Office where headed note paper will declare them to be ‘Steward of the Seven Dials Hunt’ or ‘Chairman of the Aunt Sally League: 2nd Division’ and so far too busy to attend. Further suggested posts are always welcome and should be left on my desk, under the copy of this year’s Wisden.