The Naming of the Festivals - a custom for St Andrew's Day


 Traditions can seem somewhat odd, if not uncalled for, by those who are new to them so, as we will be gathering together for ‘The Naming of the Festivals’ after supper, I feel a word of explanation might avoid unnecessary delays later on.

 

By time honoured practice, the youngest member of the Club enters the Snug on St Andrew’s day and declares, in a clear and honest tone ‘Happy Holidays!’.  As one, all present must make some startled noise which must have the nature of intelligible words but, on no account be them.

 

It is them custom for the Captain of the Bridge Team to reply ‘we shall have none of that modern nonsense.  It is and has always been ‘Merry Christmas.  Each word must be audible to all foregathered. The assembled members are required to then make approving noises.

 

At the this point either the Keeper of the Postage Stamps or the High Walden of the Larks – precedence is given to the man who has been longest in his office must state in a knowing voice ‘In fact the first reference to Happy Holidays can be found in the Philadelphia Inquirer in 1863. ;

 

If the Keeper of the Postage Stamps has uttered this, then the High Walden of the Larks – or vice versa is  bidden to say ‘Well I think ‘Seasonal Greetings’ just one of those novelties we could do without.’

 

Having given a delay of no less than five seconds, but no more than ten, the Vice Captain [Indoor Ball Games] must enter the room. Stop. Look sternly at he who spoken last and very pointedly declaim ‘If it was good enough for President Eisenhower it is good enough for the likes of you.’  A small round of applause may be permitted at this point by the company for the harshness of the tone or the falseness of the American accent deployed.

 

Once the hubbub has subsided the most senior of the member from Kent [no one remembers why, if none present then anyone may be declared ‘as of Maidstone born’ for the evening], is required to say ‘well we won’t be replacing Christmas with Winterval, like they did in Birmingham will we.’

 

It falls upon the Second Maid of the Cheese Board to end the ceremony by informing all present ‘They never did, it was just the name the Council gave to a campaign to draw attention to 41 days and nights of activities, which ranged from Children in Need to the New Year celebrations and included Christmas.’

 

At this point all present are required to drink well and talk about a topic in no way related to what had gone before, upon pain of a small fine or forfeit.

 

It all may seem queer to those not well steeped in our ways but the Naming of the Festivals does mean we avoid a lot of pointlessness throughout the Advent season.

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