As to why retiring teachers should be sent home a once - a moral tale.

 

All the world is indeed a stage, as Stratford’s favourite son declared, and all the men and women have many parts, and voices.  I, for one, have my ‘talking to idiots’ voice – something I am increasing forced to rely on when shouting at those buffoons who seem to imagine the wireless news should be a branch of light entertainment at best, and creative fiction otherwise.  I have my ‘bucking up underlings’ tone, a mix of fellow feeling, firmness and unwarranted optimism and, of course , my ‘listening to’ Mrs the Hon Sec tone.  Today, I was using my ‘talking to accountants’ voice – which begins with reasoned murmuring and eventually contains a heavy note of exacerbation. 

Perhaps I should explain.  I had been called to St Audrey’s as Chair of Governors to explain to the auditors why, against all financial expediency, we send any teacher who announces they wish to retire home, at once, on full salary on the single condition they do not return to the hallowed towers of learning.  We already have a two year ban on retired teachers returning as the losing of that grey-yellow pallor and a return of a certain joy-de-vie in the ex-chalk-wielders disheartens those who are many years from that blessed state.  We have found it less taxing to all concerned to turf out any future retirees than repeat the year that Thirlby put us through.

 You know, a lifetime of rubbing along with my fellow man has taught me sometimes it can be a simple thing that can turn a chap about.  Some switch, deep inside, is flicked and all expectations are confounded.  I remember during my time in the Service of the Queen-Empress.  I was up on the North-West Frontier, at a small hill station in Ribblesdale.  We had an old sergeant-major, tough as over cooked liver and with a record of heroism as long as your arm.  Well the natives had been restless and one night a plaintive cry of ‘By Heck! was heard lilting above Langcliffe and the man broke; he was fit for action no more.  He was returned to barracks, pensioned off and is now running a Bed and Breakfast in Sutton-on-Sea.  Same sort of thing happens to long term criminals, released from clink who then bang on the doors to be allowed back into the four-walled security they knew and understood.  Pits Ponies bewildered by day light and pinning for the darkness of the mines are of the same kidney.  With teachers, I have found, it is much the same, only from the other direction.

 

Thirlby had been the Latin Master at St Audrey’s so long that it was commonly held he had proof read the first draft of Caesar’s Gallic Wars, and given his general nature, probably returned them with 6/10 – must do better.  He was not to be budged for his worship of all things Roman.  His opinion of the Greeks can not be shared in this, more sensitive of epochs, but may be summed up generally with the expectation they would be better to get a hair cut, stop mopping wondering what it was all for and get involved with some proper civil engineering.  It was unfortunate that the end of his term coincided with arrival of Beckton as Acting Headmaster.

 

Most schools fear the arrival of Ofsted.  St Audrey’s, however had earned a visit from a different branch of HM Government’s inspectoral arm – Customs and Excise.  What had appeared at first to have been a Chemistry Lesson experiment had turned into the mass production of Plum Brandy - which had seen the Science Department controlling most of the East Anglian trade in such, beneath a line running from  Wisbech to Caiser-on-Sea.  While going a long way to explain how the Biologists funded their annual field trip to the Turks and Caicos Islands - it did mean the removal of several key members of staff and led the existing Head – at that time a cove called Seighford – to decide he had a pressing need to search the West Midlands in case he had any long lost relations there and so took a year’s leave.  Enter Beckton.

 

As a rule keeness is only valued on the Rugby field but with civil proceedings pressing and the approach of the Gentleman v Player’s Fixture at Lords, the governors appointed the first cove who could find the blessed school and departed for London, leaving Beckton as head for the year.

 

It was never going to work.  As a rule Beckton regarded an untucked shirt as a hanging offense while Thirlby regarded gravy spilt down a boy’s blazer as a sign that he appreciated a good feed.  Beckton believed that every child should be above average while Thirlby felt that, all things considered, exams were meant to sort the wheat from the chaff so a few years of benign neglect and golfing anecdotes would see which of his students were capable of organising themselves to do a spot of revision and which were not.  It was at that point Thirlby announced his retirement and the small, but distinct sound, of a switch flicking could be heard.

 

All this took place in the late summer term and, to be honest ,a warning of what was to come, came when Beckton thought it would be a nice touch – and a saving in expenditure – to invite Thirlby to hand out the prizes on Founder’s Day.   Clearly a good lunch had been had but the stink really started when Thirby awarded the ‘Churborough Shield for Endeavour’  to ‘the duffer who has most made an effort.’  Likewise the Framlingham Award for Science was given to ‘a cove who, while a wizz at chemistry was unlikely to be able to make a decent cup of tea and unable say three words to a girl without blubbing.’  It was all put down to an excess of a somewhat unexpected Burgundy and was all lost in the haze of the long summer hols.

 

The real fuss kicked off in September, when they returned.  No longer feeling the restraint most of feel in meetings, the hope that they would end and we could be about our more pressing business, Thirlby would disagree.  Beckton would announce a new initiative which be a boon to all mankind and Thirlby would ungraciously point out we tried it ten years before and it hadn’t worked.  Beckton would then outline how this time it was much amended and so much more fit for purpose – and Thirlby would announce that that was the way they had tried it twenty years before, and it had failed then as well.

 

This set the course for much of the year.  With the glint of freedom in his eyes Thirlby would counter and confound, bringing facts and reason into areas of education in which they had no place and had, until then, been completely absent.  To be honest he did begin to try the patience of his fellows, who now saw Staff Meetings being prolonged by points of order and clarification beyond opening time – an event held sacred by all who ever wielded a cane or hurled a chalk duster at a child.

 

What finally broke the back – as it were – was Parent’s Evening.  Upsetting teachers would only last a year.  Upsetting parents may involve letters, visits by perturbed uncles in high places and the late payment of fees.   The night started badly when Thirby’s deeply troublesome tones could be heard telling one frightened father ‘decent chap your son but to be honest given the fact he feels the need to look out of the window every time a pigeon goes by suggests your hopes for an ambassadorial future are misplaced.  Possibly he could hand out the cheese and biscuits.’  This was nothing to the stand up row with one mama who had spent the evening haranguing the school and her child for being backsliders.  Rising to his feet Thirlby declared ‘Madam!  Your son is hard working, polite and conscientious boy.  It would appear he is a changeling and the faeries got the worst of it.  Good night.’

 

Well we hushed it, said he was preparing for the annual production of ‘A Christmas Carol’ and, having discovered Method Acting, Thirlby had thrown himself into enacting the childhood of young Ebeneezer a little too far.  The Bursar does keep a remarkably good cellar and ruffles were smoothed but Thirlby was confined to his study and only allowed out when accompanied by two of the more muscular Upper 6ths.  From that day on it has, for all concerned, been deemed a favour to remove retiring teachers from the grounds as soon as humanly possible.