The Revolution may not be televised and it will not be an inconvenience

 There are many places I never expected to find myself but, as it were, just seemed to have popped up.  Many a time I have found myself surrounded by ill-mannered coves with more opinions than is good for anyone and considered how fate has ordained that I should have been drinks monitor at the local Temperance Gardening Society or been asked to hand out prizes to snotty nosed terrors whose only redeeming feature is that they were prepared to be teachers at our own St Audrey’s School for the ridiculously low wages we pay them.  There was the time I ended up chairing trade talks between HM Government and the Tribal Confederations of the Lincolnshire Fenlands but that was mostly because I had taken a wrong turn on the way to the Gents and, as it were, stumbled in.  All I can say is that England will never be short of a spot of Poacher to go with their crackers.

 

None of this set up me up to find myself on the People’s Revolutionary Cadre’s Way and Means Subcommittee.  Now, I know what you are thinking.  The old boy is going for a quick trot down memory lane.  Did we not all, at some time in our youth, attend some leftist leaning gathering, normally because some gel had suggested it was a rather dashing thing to do. Lord, I remember one cove who ended up overthrowing the despotic junta of a Caribbean island and showing that Marxist-Leninism could be made to work provided it was done with a British sense of orderly queueing and an understanding of the LBW rule– and all that to win the chance of a night at the flicks with a filly he was rather keen on.   I, myself, have no such tale to tell.  At the time when my chums were so involved, a manufacture of loose leaf tea had started a series of collectible cards, showing the Pavilions of Minor Counties Cricket Clubs and, as I almost had the set, I was rather a 40 cups a day man and, consequently, a little preoccupied.

 

I have to say, as secret insurgencies go, this one did have the advantage of being rather well appointed.  Having been sworn to uphold the privacy of the undertaking I was whisked away to ‘somewhere in the Home Counties’.  Amid the company of at least one Principal Private Secretary, several Brigadiers, a member of the House of Lords and a bishop from one of those smaller diocese usually reserved for chaps who are just a little more spiritual than the Anglican fold is used to or who went to a grammar school. I did begin to wonder if I got hold of the wrong end of the stick and we were going end up being asked to support some rank bad-hat like Generalissimo Franco in an attempt to hold back the tide of History with some kind of beastliness.  This was not the case.

 

Our leader, whom I shall not name for the shock it would cause, explained the genesis of our project thus.  He had been moving house on an occasion as he pursued his employment in the national interest and realised just how much junk his abode contained.  He seemed to own shirts which were older than his children but had not seen the light of day since they were born.  Underbeds were found crammed with containers full of spare fittings which plainly didn’t.  Whole shelves were heaped with books either unread or never to be read again.  As for the kitchen, it seemed stuffed with odd shaped utensils whose origin and purpose were known only to God.  In one of those blinding flashes of inspiration, it occurred to him that the governance of the nation was in the same state.  We were burdened by arcane laws and sage practices which, while all very well in village hall committees, where knowing you had to wear a blue tie on St Agnes’ eve was acceptable, did rather stop the efficient running of greater things.  ‘Good Lord! He who must not be named declared, ‘we bally well passed a law fixing Easter to early April in 1928 and no blighter has yet to enforce it.  This sort of slackness will not do!’

 

The problem with wholesale change was the stumbling block.  Government had an existence and a care for the people.  Unlike some private concern it could not just tell a chap he had a job and then not pay him or work for anyone else in the name of profitable conduct.  Nor could it behave like some disreputable travel firm, sending parties of pensioners to Whitstable and then leaving them stranded while the Chief Executive and a flighty piece from Customer Services have it away to live in sin in a bungalow in Rhyl.  No, while the benefits of revolution in stripping away the unwanted  sandwich makers of the constitution were great, the chaos and unpleasantness of violent change was not to be borne, departments had to keep functioning and so our committee was formed.

 

The Revolution may not be televised, but it will be meticulously planned and not inconvenience anyone.  Every 35 years, probably in early July, so as to extend the summer hols and catch the good weather, the government will be other thrown.  All citizenry will be expected to take to the streets, probably about elevenish, in an act of coordinated spontaneity, It is suggested that Carnival be the model, possibly with a small prize for the best float and the whole thing will be done by the time the pubs open.  The armed and other essential services will then take control for a two week period while everyone else has an extra holiday.  Some sort of rota would be organised as to whose turn it was to be the ‘Generalissimo, Father, or mother, of the People, picked from the aforesaid services – although I do feel the chap in charge of Ambulances may do a good job at this.  Those still, by common necessity, forced to work will have been allowed to take ‘Revolutionary Leave’ previous to the main event.  Shops will only open in the late morning, allowing, if nothing else, people to complain of the shortages and privation at not being able to buy ‘Fruits of all the Nations’ yoghurt whenever they wished for it.

 

During this time a well executed plan will allow the wholesale removal of laws and practices which no longer serve the commonweal.  Land left idle and derelict will be taken into public’s care, and a few appalling buildings can be destroyed using the excuse of ‘revolutionary excess.’

 

What of the Royal Family I hear you cry.  Not a hair on the monarchical head shall be harmed.  As is well known they are used to name changes.  Did not Prince Albert become King Edward VII.  After two weeks the monarch could come back, using one of the many middle names which nature has liberally endowed them with, having been spared 14 days of opening leisure centres or unveiling plaques which inform them, should they be a both slow on the uptake, that they had unveiled  a plaque on such and such a day.  Some may even take it as an excuse not to bother coming back and devote themselves to the pleasures of field, fell and garden instead without any need to justify themselves beyond citing ‘The Revolution.’

Clearly such a period of reorganisation and change will be costly in the short term thus the 35 year fixed term was set.  That should allow enough time for a provident government to save enough without having to resort to additional taxation or celebrity fronted fund raising records.  It would also mean most people would get benefit from the extra holiday at least once in their working lives.

 

Well, all is fixed.  I have overseen the final plans.  We now just await the final signal.  For those of you unsure, worry not.  The Revolution may not televised but you can also find it on the Home Services.